276: More Silly Motorcycling Tricks

It is amazing that there are lots of people out there that sound like they know little about the very bikes they ride, not to mention about motorcycles in general.
I guess that's their way of "experiencing motorcycling" (which sounds like some kind of New-Age, everything-is-OK-and-it's-all-good-as-long-as-you-buy-something sales BS talk).
Barf.

Often, a new guy will come onto a message board, introduce himself, explain how he started riding, tell about the bikes he's owned and ridden, tell about which ones he liked more than others and why, and even post pics from the past.
A decent introduction that basically makes you think the guy knows what he's talking about.

Then, you realize you were fooled about him because overnight, he starts asking questions you expect from a rookie.
Things like:
"Hey. I just picked-up my [whatever model bike] and I need to know how much oil goes in the engine.
Do I use the dipstick on the side of the motor, or is there some other way?
Oh, and what's the tire pressure I'm supposed to use?
How do I adjust the chain?
Should it be tight or a little loose?
One more question:
How do I get the seat off this thing?
Is the air filter under there?
Do you think I should worry about the air filter right away?"

Sorry, folks, but those are all boneheaded questions coming from somebody that's a supposed veteran of riding motorcycles, especially if the guy was just claiming to be really active in it.
This happens very often, and it immediately shows how stupid the guy really is when it comes to motorcycles.
Because, you see, the very first thing the guy should be told is that he needs to review the goddamn manual the bike came with, because what's in there will be much more clear and better-written than 90% of the replies he'll get on a typical message board.

But, he'll get no shortage or replies by like-minded riders, guys that are from the same where's-the-air-filter mold.
Because, message boards basically are purpose-built for dimwitts like that, the kind of guy who ain't quite sure whether or not the bike has an air filter, or likes to run his drive chain way too tight so it will saw into the underside of his swingarm's chain slider.
Oops.
I'm sorry.
I should have gone with the popular opinions from these dweebs and stated that the bike has a design flaw in that area.
That's why the guy's swingarm got hacksawed by the drive chain, not because he doesn't know what he's doing, and of course it's no matter that he's a senior citizen with decades of experience with these motorcycles. ;)

No, I'm not exaggerating.

Actually, drive chain slack is one of the great mysteries with lots of riders.
Not helping is that probably half of the bikes I've owned have drive chain slack specifications listed in their Owner's Manuals and Service Manuals that are simply a bit too tight.
Add this to the average rider's inclination to adjust it a bit tighter, still, and you get a chain that gets as taught as a bowstring once he plops his fat, overweight ass down on the seat (and stays there all ride long, not even standing up to work with the machine for bumps he'll ride across).
Add this fact to the guy's tendency to completely neglect important parts of the bike (unless we're talking about installing heated grips or six-mile-high handlebar risers), and you'll eventually hear him squealing like the proverbial pig in that movie that also features tight bowstrings.

Typically, the comment will be one like:
"Oh, my gosh!
How can this happen?!
All I've been doing is just riding the bike.
Has anybody else had this happen?
What do I do now?
What do you think of my heated grips and bar risers, by the way?
It took me three days to figure out how to do that.
Thanks for the help with that, by the way!
Oh.
Back to my sawed swingarm - WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOO???!!!"

My answer to that would be:
Get half a goddamn clue as to how the chain slack needs to be set, because if you put half the effort into those basics that you do with your silly little "farkles" (that's what geeks of all ages call their silly accessories), you wouldn't have done this to yourself, Lenny Geekenheimer.

Often, the guy will get some sympathetic pats on the back, but no real solutions, solutions which should be like the advice I just gave above, as well as replace the parts he fucked-up due to his ignorance and big-time rookie-like mistake.

You can spot which geeks don't know how to set their drive chain slack by how often they say they adjust their drive chains.
Basically, if the bike comes equipped with a sealed-type chain (has little rubber O-rings that seal the dirt out of the critical joint) and the guy has to adjust it more than once every 2,000 miles, then it's a fair bet he's keeping it too taught and the chain is literally being forced to "stretch" (abnormal tension placed upon it, which prematurely wears the critical joints and adds play to each joint, making the chain incrementally grow longer rapidly and get longer with each ride).
Then, the dimwitt sees the chain is basically wearing to the point where the tension on it is relaxed because it now has more slack in it.
Slack that it should have, but the idiot thinks otherwise because he's afraid the chain will come off the sprockets if it has any slack in it, or will have too much "driveline slop" with slack in it, something his lack of fine control of the bike magnifies.
So, he tightens 'er back up.
Then repeats the whole process.
He never catches on.

-John